Start Mini and Simple: Ways to Expand From School-Friend to Outside-of-School-Friend
A quick note: I'm talking about kids in school here, but this applies to your adult child too.
This is Part 2 of my friendship series. In Part 1, two weeks ago, I shared how friendships often grow:
Class-friend → School-friend (or recess-friend) → Outside-of-school-friend
(Read Part 1 here if you missed it.)
Today, let's talk about that next mini-step: moving from school-friend to outside-of-school-friend.
Shared Experiences Come First
Friendships are built on shared experiences, and even more through shared emotions.
If your child is still in the shared experiences stage, that's OK. Shared experiences need to be in place before shared emotions can happen anyway.
So the first time together outside of school doesn't need to be a big playdate. Start mini and simple.
Two Examples: Turning a School-Friend Into an Outside-of-School-Friend
These ideas are for when your child already has a school-friend, and you're ready to help that friendship grow outside of school.
1. Carpooling
Offering a school-friend a ride to school or a shared activity is a great way to build connection. The point isn't that anyone needs the ride. It's to create an opportunity for a super low pressure shared experience.
2. The "Yolo Berry Effect"
In Davis California where I am, there's a frozen yogurt place called Yolo Berry right next to a park. It's become my go-to example for a great first hangout, and I call it the "Yolo Berry Effect."
It's not about the froyo, and it certainly isn't that they must go to Yolo Berry. It's about the pieces that make it work:
Time-limited: a quick outing together is enough (it does not need to be a food place)
Neutral location: not anyone's home, so no one is hosting, not feeling protective of their space or items
Option to stay: if it's going well, take the froyo to the park and eat there
Option to leave: the ability to keep it short and sweet. The goal is to start positive and end positive, so they leave wanting more and wanting to do it again.
So look around your neighborhood. Where can you have YOUR Yolo Berry Effect get-together?
First Hangout Do's and Don'ts
✅ Do keep it short. You want them to leave wishing it lasted longer, so they're excited to do it again.
❌ Don't plan a long playdate or an all-day hangout.
✅ Do start in a neutral space, not anyone's home.
❌ Don't jump straight to a long visit at someone's house.
✅ If you're starting at someone's home, do plan an activity that gives them common ground, like baking cupcakes or watching a movie.
❌ Don't expect them to "just hang out" with nothing to do.
✅ Do keep your own distractions low if you'll be there or nearby.
❌ Don't juggle siblings or work while you're trying to support the hangout (if at all possible!).
One last thing to remember is that every friendship moves at its own pace. Some stay on the same level for a long time, and that's OK and actually really common.
Want to learn more about how friendships grow, along with visual tools that make invisible social rules visible? You'll find them all in the Friendship Navigator™, and as a thank-you for reading my blog, you can use the code NAV20SAVE for $20 off.
Every Mini-Step Counts
A short carpool ride or a 20-minute froyo trip that ends early still counts. It's a shared experience, and that's what the next level is built on.
📚 You might also enjoy reading my other blogs:
Finding Your Child's Next Friendship Mini-Step
Friendships Are Built on Shared Experiences + Shared Emotions
When Play Levels Up, Friendships Follow
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