Having the skill is not the same as being able to access the skill
Sometimes your child knows exactly what to do, and still doesn't do it.
This comes up a lot in parent meetings and parent-teacher conferences:
"I know they know how to do it. So why don't they do it?"
It can be so frustrating. But here's something I come back to again and again:
Having the skill is not the same as being able to access the skill.
Example:
If your child sits down in a calm environment, with no stress, no timer, and no kids going in and out, they might be able to do it just fine. Put that same problem in front of them during an exam, and they can't.
They didn't lose the skill. They just couldn't use it in that moment.
The same is true for social skills: asking for help, joining a group, remembering that losing is a part of the game. They may know all of it, but in a crowded classroom, at an energetic playground, or an unfamiliar park, they may not be able to access those skills.
Try a different question
⛔ Instead of asking, "Why won't they just do it?"
👉 Ask yourself: "What is getting in the way of them doing that right now?"
Sometimes what's in the way is right there in the moment:
Hungry
Tired
Too loud, too busy, too much
Sometimes it's bigger and more ongoing:
Anxiety or perfectionism
Attention or learning challenges
Sensory overload
And sometimes it's something you would never have guessed until you took the time to stop and think.
The good news is you don't have to figure it all out at once.
Just asking yourself a different question changes what you notice, and what you notice changes what you do next.
Having the skill is not the same as being able to access it.
Keep this in your back pocket next time things get tough!
📚 You might also enjoy reading my other blogs:
Why Isn't My Child's Social Progress Sticking? Understanding the Social Growth & Mastery Cycle
When Play Levels Up, Friendships Follow
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